March 27, 2014.
dlsfjdsaljflds. That's how I feel right now. I'm so tired but I've still got work to do... can you imagine? I'm a SECOND SEMESTER SENIOR. What is work, anyways? That's the thing though - I've had this whole expectation all along that senior year gets really easy after Christmas break. I know I'll still have to do work, but it seems like too much. Plus, it's not only that I have little motivation to do it, it's also the fact that I feel like there are many more important things to do. Like...sleep. And spend time with family, friends, and with oneself. I want to go out on a nature hike, go for a walk at the beach, go into the city and just spend a whole day there - maybe even stay over. It's as if I'm a young woman in her 20's - right around that time where people are looking for life partners, yet I'm stuck in this teenager's body. It just feels as if there's this greater good that I'm missing out on. I know it's out there and I can certainly feel it, but when I do get that glimmer of hope I want all of it. Homework just seems dull and irrelevant. Senioritis at its best.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Random Shit that Maddie Loves:
THUG KITCHEN.
thugkitchen.com/
Detox Smoothies.
www.wholeliving.com/152126/7-detox-smoothies/@center/152870/2012-whole-living-action-plan/
Where do I EAT?
THUG KITCHEN.
thugkitchen.com/
www.wholeliving.com/152126/7-detox-smoothies/@center/152870/2012-whole-living-action-plan/
DIY Foods:
And random shit that's funny...
IDK
June 15.
Hello.
I'm just going to say every fricken thing that's on my mind because I can't keep it bottled up anymore. Where to even start...
So basically the last maybe 2 months have been really good. Of course not everything has been perfect, but in terms of my social life, it's improved a lot. James told me he didn't want to be in the same group but it just so happened that we landed in the same group - George, Gabi, Ceci and some others. We started hanging out all together- going to OG School and playing Truth or Dare, going to the beach and joining up with Andres and Sean, and hanging out with Gabi and the organ. I laughed so much then and was so happy that I finally had a group with cute guys in it, and was staying up late. It felt like I actually belonged. You see, for so long I have just settled out of timidness. I accept a group figuring that I can't do better but secretly knowing I can. Even when I was friends with Amie, Sydney, Grace etc. I was never really happy; I wasn't immediately included in on things and although Nick and Robbie were in the group I had no interest in them. So overall I may have been happy to have a group, but I felt awkward with them. When I joined James' group it just felt normal. They were certainly more edgy and perhaps didn't have as good a reputation as my previous group but I felt cool with them. The weird thing is the group was the best when Sydney and George broke up. Only then did James and I really start hanging out with George, Ceci, and Gabi. The funny thing is, once things started getting really good - specifically the weekend when we all went to the beach, and then to Fernanda's, then to Adam's only to then go to the beach the next day with George and Gabi, babysitting, and back with George and Gabi to check out karoake and then do karaoke at Gabi's house. That was probably the best weekend I've had so far this year, if not of all my years. Things were so good, and I'm a strong believer in good/bad luck. Naturally, I started thinking that things were too good. I mean, in a way I felt that this was the high school life that most people have experienced - hanging out every day, staying up late, doing crazy things, and just being with an attractive group of kids. There was also a feeling though that I got which was that it all was going to end. That there was no way things could be this good for this long - even if it did seem like I deserved it. Well, I think I jinxed myself. Sure enough the following weekend, which I believe was Memorial Day Weekend, I didn't do anything. I never ended up going to the concert with Ceci or Fernanda in Boston. George didn't have his car which meant that basically everyone was stuck at home, and Gabi cancelled on me. It sucked. It reminded me of earlier in the year, when for weeks straight people cancelled plans with me and I was left desperately trying to make plans last minute on a weekend night. I guess it was a bit of a humbling weekend, to remind me how lucky I was to finally have a group. Then the following weekend things just weren't the same. Before the Governor's Ball, on Friday night, I didn't do anything. Then, the Governor's Ball was really fun - I don't know that I can see myself with Andres but he is definitely attractive and fun to be around. We all were dancing like idiots but it was ok. We all were just equally awkward. So that was really fun, made up for the last weekend. Then in school I started to notice that James was drifting away. He didn't sit at our table anymore and he wasn't hanging out with George at all anymore. Instead, he was talking a lot with Sydney Hone. That's basically how it is now - we switched groups. I'm now friends with his old group, mainly Ceci, Fernanda, Gabi, George, and Adam and he's friends with my old group - Amie, Sydney, and Nicole. It's sad that we can't go back to the way things used to be, you know? Now my mom's telling James he shouldn't hang out with the "Three Musketeers" and James doesn't really want me hanging out with his old group. It seems like there's no right answer, no right turn. No matter what there will always be drama. Hopefully with the arrival of summer though things will shake out. Of course not everything will be perfect, but at least we won't all see each other every single day at school. I'm also hoping to occupy my time with learning the guitar (first I have to get one) and even maybe getting a high quality camera. I really enjoy taking photos, even more so videos, and adding music to them. It's always something I've been interested in but never thought I could actually do. Now I realize that I can change things and hopefully convince my parents. It would occupy my time for days when I'm bored and no one's around. On top of that, it really makes me happy! I get really into it.
That's all I can write for now, which is a pretty substantial amount.
Possibly more tomorrow.. who knows.
Here's to good grades on the finals and a start to summer.
XOXO
Maddie
Hello.
I'm just going to say every fricken thing that's on my mind because I can't keep it bottled up anymore. Where to even start...
So basically the last maybe 2 months have been really good. Of course not everything has been perfect, but in terms of my social life, it's improved a lot. James told me he didn't want to be in the same group but it just so happened that we landed in the same group - George, Gabi, Ceci and some others. We started hanging out all together- going to OG School and playing Truth or Dare, going to the beach and joining up with Andres and Sean, and hanging out with Gabi and the organ. I laughed so much then and was so happy that I finally had a group with cute guys in it, and was staying up late. It felt like I actually belonged. You see, for so long I have just settled out of timidness. I accept a group figuring that I can't do better but secretly knowing I can. Even when I was friends with Amie, Sydney, Grace etc. I was never really happy; I wasn't immediately included in on things and although Nick and Robbie were in the group I had no interest in them. So overall I may have been happy to have a group, but I felt awkward with them. When I joined James' group it just felt normal. They were certainly more edgy and perhaps didn't have as good a reputation as my previous group but I felt cool with them. The weird thing is the group was the best when Sydney and George broke up. Only then did James and I really start hanging out with George, Ceci, and Gabi. The funny thing is, once things started getting really good - specifically the weekend when we all went to the beach, and then to Fernanda's, then to Adam's only to then go to the beach the next day with George and Gabi, babysitting, and back with George and Gabi to check out karoake and then do karaoke at Gabi's house. That was probably the best weekend I've had so far this year, if not of all my years. Things were so good, and I'm a strong believer in good/bad luck. Naturally, I started thinking that things were too good. I mean, in a way I felt that this was the high school life that most people have experienced - hanging out every day, staying up late, doing crazy things, and just being with an attractive group of kids. There was also a feeling though that I got which was that it all was going to end. That there was no way things could be this good for this long - even if it did seem like I deserved it. Well, I think I jinxed myself. Sure enough the following weekend, which I believe was Memorial Day Weekend, I didn't do anything. I never ended up going to the concert with Ceci or Fernanda in Boston. George didn't have his car which meant that basically everyone was stuck at home, and Gabi cancelled on me. It sucked. It reminded me of earlier in the year, when for weeks straight people cancelled plans with me and I was left desperately trying to make plans last minute on a weekend night. I guess it was a bit of a humbling weekend, to remind me how lucky I was to finally have a group. Then the following weekend things just weren't the same. Before the Governor's Ball, on Friday night, I didn't do anything. Then, the Governor's Ball was really fun - I don't know that I can see myself with Andres but he is definitely attractive and fun to be around. We all were dancing like idiots but it was ok. We all were just equally awkward. So that was really fun, made up for the last weekend. Then in school I started to notice that James was drifting away. He didn't sit at our table anymore and he wasn't hanging out with George at all anymore. Instead, he was talking a lot with Sydney Hone. That's basically how it is now - we switched groups. I'm now friends with his old group, mainly Ceci, Fernanda, Gabi, George, and Adam and he's friends with my old group - Amie, Sydney, and Nicole. It's sad that we can't go back to the way things used to be, you know? Now my mom's telling James he shouldn't hang out with the "Three Musketeers" and James doesn't really want me hanging out with his old group. It seems like there's no right answer, no right turn. No matter what there will always be drama. Hopefully with the arrival of summer though things will shake out. Of course not everything will be perfect, but at least we won't all see each other every single day at school. I'm also hoping to occupy my time with learning the guitar (first I have to get one) and even maybe getting a high quality camera. I really enjoy taking photos, even more so videos, and adding music to them. It's always something I've been interested in but never thought I could actually do. Now I realize that I can change things and hopefully convince my parents. It would occupy my time for days when I'm bored and no one's around. On top of that, it really makes me happy! I get really into it.
That's all I can write for now, which is a pretty substantial amount.
Possibly more tomorrow.. who knows.
Here's to good grades on the finals and a start to summer.
XOXO
Maddie
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Saturday March 23, 5:59 P.M.
I'm back! So much for the once a week thing.. HA. It's actually been exactly a month since I last wrote a post. So I guess this'll be a monthly thing? Now that I have SAT class on Sunday from 1:30-5:30 my Sunday's are pretty much gone. Which means I have to do homework on Saturday. As for updates... went prom dress shopping today. I really felt good! I worked out this morning - since I did have surgery, I just did arm weights and a light ab workout. Then I showered, really took the time to make myself look pretty and... we were off! Finally I felt like a true teenager - going off to find a prom dress and with Ali driving.. it was nice. Trying on prom dresses was especially nice - as I did suspect, I have lost weight (again) because of the surgery but this time it's not as noticeable. Still, every bit helps! Unfortunately the time spent looking for prom dresses was truly too short-lived. Plus, before we even made it to the dressing rooms Rachel texted me telling me that Ben has a race the weekend of prom, therefore giving me no option to ask him to prom. So now what? Lucas and Andres are a possibility but neither one of them feels quite right. It would be nice to have a date - not even a date, just someone to go with to prom. I want to give Elias a chance, but I honestly feel like I'd be happier going alone than with Elias. That really does sound mean, but it's what I feel. Having James go with Grace is great! I really am happy for them, I just wish James could return the favor. He was nice enough to offer to help me find a prom "partner" we'll call it, but his friends really aren't as.. special... as mine. Which should make me feel good, that I have special friends and all. They don't feel so special though.
What did I do yesterday? We were planning to head up to Windham for one last hoorah but William, midweek, remembered he had to work at the highschool Jazz Festival so he couldn't go. So then MOST of the family was in. James claimed he'd be fine going without William and snowboarding on his own but as usual, he bailed on Friday. Can't completely blame him, I kinda bailed to. You see, I was supposed to have plans with Amie. Supposed to. Then Amie kept texting me saying her rehearsal was running later, and later, until finally she just texted me telling me she couldn't hang out. How crazy is that? I'm sorry, it's just really hard to believe that a rehearsal would go until 8 or 9 o'clock on a Friday night. I don't do theatre though, so it's really not my business. So here I was again on a Friday, thinking I had plans only to see them crash through the roof. Now is that what you call special friends? Questionable. This is why I stopped texting Amie, she just seems to always bail out on me last minute, either finding something better to do or an excuse not to hang out. She is busy though. My point is, Mirei has a real excuse as much as my mom fails to believe that. Mirei has strict parents and an even stricter schedule. Amie just always seems to have better things to do. Anyways, I was really trying hard to be positive but again, this felt like a repeat of last week and I just couldn't shake that feeling. However, I decided to get off the computer and instead read - which did make me feel better. Also, I iced my knee which made me feel like I was at least doing useful things. My mom suggested the usual, dinner or a movie. At first I was completely against a movie but then I realized it wouldn't be so bad. I'm always so embarassed about going to the movies with my mom or my parents on a weekend night but I really think it's better to get out than do nothing - you just have to have confidence. I think that's the theme for this post. Whatever happens with prom, I have to go there with confidence. Be happy with whatever. Don't worry what other people think!! Now that's probably my biggest weakness.
As for the rest of today... unfortunately, afraid it's going to be very similar to yesterday. I ended up going out to dinner last night with the parents which was nice and then I ended up videochatting with Mirei which was at least one way of being social. Again, I thought I was going to hang out with Amie after today's shopping but again she's busy. I just don't think it's ever going to work out with her. So we'll see what happens tonight, for now I'll probably take Ginger out for a walk - God knows I feel guilty when she's laying around the house and staring me down with those sad eyes. How ridiculous though, I'm still in a brace, today was the first day I got off of crutches, and I still have a guilty conscience about not taking my dog for a walk! My guilty conscience, yet another one of my weaknesses. It is cold out though so we'll see if I'll actually go or not. Then the rest of the night I'll probably hit up the books, I really have to get going on homework if I'm going to do SAT tutoring tomorrow and especially if I'm going to do regular tutoring as well. Lastly, I have to call my mom. We'll see what she says about the prom situation - hate to say it but my parents really do give the best advice and have great ideas. As glad as I am that I didn't go up to Windham so that I could at least have the option of being social (hey, I did videochat and go shopping today right?), now that I'm going to start homework I really really would love to be curled up by the fireplace, possibly even with CCR playing. Take me there! Maybe next weekend, I just remembered - it's a four day week! We could go up even Thursday night, hopefully make the trip up to Albany to see Natalie and then come home for Easter.
Ah, look at all I wrote! I don't find it surprising that by reading last night and writing now I'm more calm - English just is my thing. I'm a quiet person, as much as I hate to admit it, so naturally that means I keep a lot of thoughts in my head. Writing them down on paper is truly a de-stresser. Speaking of stress, if this was the pace I could do a school essay at then I would be so money. But no. I wish!
XOXO
Maddie
I'm back! So much for the once a week thing.. HA. It's actually been exactly a month since I last wrote a post. So I guess this'll be a monthly thing? Now that I have SAT class on Sunday from 1:30-5:30 my Sunday's are pretty much gone. Which means I have to do homework on Saturday. As for updates... went prom dress shopping today. I really felt good! I worked out this morning - since I did have surgery, I just did arm weights and a light ab workout. Then I showered, really took the time to make myself look pretty and... we were off! Finally I felt like a true teenager - going off to find a prom dress and with Ali driving.. it was nice. Trying on prom dresses was especially nice - as I did suspect, I have lost weight (again) because of the surgery but this time it's not as noticeable. Still, every bit helps! Unfortunately the time spent looking for prom dresses was truly too short-lived. Plus, before we even made it to the dressing rooms Rachel texted me telling me that Ben has a race the weekend of prom, therefore giving me no option to ask him to prom. So now what? Lucas and Andres are a possibility but neither one of them feels quite right. It would be nice to have a date - not even a date, just someone to go with to prom. I want to give Elias a chance, but I honestly feel like I'd be happier going alone than with Elias. That really does sound mean, but it's what I feel. Having James go with Grace is great! I really am happy for them, I just wish James could return the favor. He was nice enough to offer to help me find a prom "partner" we'll call it, but his friends really aren't as.. special... as mine. Which should make me feel good, that I have special friends and all. They don't feel so special though.
What did I do yesterday? We were planning to head up to Windham for one last hoorah but William, midweek, remembered he had to work at the highschool Jazz Festival so he couldn't go. So then MOST of the family was in. James claimed he'd be fine going without William and snowboarding on his own but as usual, he bailed on Friday. Can't completely blame him, I kinda bailed to. You see, I was supposed to have plans with Amie. Supposed to. Then Amie kept texting me saying her rehearsal was running later, and later, until finally she just texted me telling me she couldn't hang out. How crazy is that? I'm sorry, it's just really hard to believe that a rehearsal would go until 8 or 9 o'clock on a Friday night. I don't do theatre though, so it's really not my business. So here I was again on a Friday, thinking I had plans only to see them crash through the roof. Now is that what you call special friends? Questionable. This is why I stopped texting Amie, she just seems to always bail out on me last minute, either finding something better to do or an excuse not to hang out. She is busy though. My point is, Mirei has a real excuse as much as my mom fails to believe that. Mirei has strict parents and an even stricter schedule. Amie just always seems to have better things to do. Anyways, I was really trying hard to be positive but again, this felt like a repeat of last week and I just couldn't shake that feeling. However, I decided to get off the computer and instead read - which did make me feel better. Also, I iced my knee which made me feel like I was at least doing useful things. My mom suggested the usual, dinner or a movie. At first I was completely against a movie but then I realized it wouldn't be so bad. I'm always so embarassed about going to the movies with my mom or my parents on a weekend night but I really think it's better to get out than do nothing - you just have to have confidence. I think that's the theme for this post. Whatever happens with prom, I have to go there with confidence. Be happy with whatever. Don't worry what other people think!! Now that's probably my biggest weakness.
As for the rest of today... unfortunately, afraid it's going to be very similar to yesterday. I ended up going out to dinner last night with the parents which was nice and then I ended up videochatting with Mirei which was at least one way of being social. Again, I thought I was going to hang out with Amie after today's shopping but again she's busy. I just don't think it's ever going to work out with her. So we'll see what happens tonight, for now I'll probably take Ginger out for a walk - God knows I feel guilty when she's laying around the house and staring me down with those sad eyes. How ridiculous though, I'm still in a brace, today was the first day I got off of crutches, and I still have a guilty conscience about not taking my dog for a walk! My guilty conscience, yet another one of my weaknesses. It is cold out though so we'll see if I'll actually go or not. Then the rest of the night I'll probably hit up the books, I really have to get going on homework if I'm going to do SAT tutoring tomorrow and especially if I'm going to do regular tutoring as well. Lastly, I have to call my mom. We'll see what she says about the prom situation - hate to say it but my parents really do give the best advice and have great ideas. As glad as I am that I didn't go up to Windham so that I could at least have the option of being social (hey, I did videochat and go shopping today right?), now that I'm going to start homework I really really would love to be curled up by the fireplace, possibly even with CCR playing. Take me there! Maybe next weekend, I just remembered - it's a four day week! We could go up even Thursday night, hopefully make the trip up to Albany to see Natalie and then come home for Easter.
Ah, look at all I wrote! I don't find it surprising that by reading last night and writing now I'm more calm - English just is my thing. I'm a quiet person, as much as I hate to admit it, so naturally that means I keep a lot of thoughts in my head. Writing them down on paper is truly a de-stresser. Speaking of stress, if this was the pace I could do a school essay at then I would be so money. But no. I wish!
XOXO
Maddie
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Saturday February 23, 2013.
Hi..
Ugh. I woke up this morning with the scratchiest throat and a seriously bloated stomach. I tried to drink water, but it hurt too much to swallow. So I eventually got up and went downstairs to get breakfast. I had Raisin Bran with a half a banana, thinking it would help with some of the constipation. Who knows if it actually did help. After though I did have water which I could down. The water probably helped the most with the constipation. I had another small bowl of Oatmeal Squares and Cinnamon Life cause I felt like it.
Then I was planning on hopping on the bike, but I have very little energy and I'm going in to the city today with mom so I'm gonna need all the energy I can get. So I'm currently on Tumblr and writing this. I should be doing something more productive - at least get started on my French homework or my Gov essay which is due Monday but did I mention I'm tired? I might actually get started after this. I'm working on it..
Mom leaves tomorrow to go to Turks & Caicos. So jealous. My body totally isn't ready for the beach but I feel like just being in sunlight would perk up my mood and give me more energy to work out. That's why I'm so looking forward to the spring. It's cloudy here, and that really doesn't help with my mood. I'm also hoping next week I can eat healthier. Without mom packing my lunch every day, I have to pack my own lunch which means a lot more salads and healthier snacks and a lot less sandwiches. That'll be nice. If surgery is March 2nd, which is apparently what the doctor said, then - wow! - that's next Saturday. A WEEK. Mom comes home on Friday so it would work out. I really do hope I get surgery then. I just want to go ahead with things. I'm in such limbo with an injured knee. It may sound stupid but I'm secretly hoping that the surgery will help my mood overall. Last year after surgery - I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't easy the first few weeks and I don't expect it to be any easier this time - but then it got better. I lost weight, mainly muscle, because I wasn't constantly working out. That certainly helped my mood. I also became more social since you can't really avoid conversation when you're wearing a huge leg brace and have crutches - it's a conversation starter. As crazy as it sounds, this injury is, in a very little way, a blessing. I've been eating so much recently and haven't been working out, so naturally, I've gained weight. The dumb thing is I realize all of this, but I just can't change it. I'll get a headache, or just rely on food to wake me up. So having this injury, I'm hoping I will lose the weight I've gained. And let's plan on keeping it off. Overall though, what's this injury done? It's really changed my life. My soccer season next year is in jeopardy. By jeopardy I mean that there's a 99% chance I won't play. And it's my senior year. But then I look at Nicole - who am I to complain, when she's battling a lifelong disease that she almost died from. If she can do it, then I sure as hell can. Is it bad for me to feel bad for myself? I need to get out of my head. This helps. I'm thinking I'll do this once a week - Saturday mornings are nice but Sundays would be better. Sundays are just lazy days, perfect for writing. So, that's all for now. This feels really good, this writing thing.
XOXO
Maddie
Hi..
Ugh. I woke up this morning with the scratchiest throat and a seriously bloated stomach. I tried to drink water, but it hurt too much to swallow. So I eventually got up and went downstairs to get breakfast. I had Raisin Bran with a half a banana, thinking it would help with some of the constipation. Who knows if it actually did help. After though I did have water which I could down. The water probably helped the most with the constipation. I had another small bowl of Oatmeal Squares and Cinnamon Life cause I felt like it.
Then I was planning on hopping on the bike, but I have very little energy and I'm going in to the city today with mom so I'm gonna need all the energy I can get. So I'm currently on Tumblr and writing this. I should be doing something more productive - at least get started on my French homework or my Gov essay which is due Monday but did I mention I'm tired? I might actually get started after this. I'm working on it..
Mom leaves tomorrow to go to Turks & Caicos. So jealous. My body totally isn't ready for the beach but I feel like just being in sunlight would perk up my mood and give me more energy to work out. That's why I'm so looking forward to the spring. It's cloudy here, and that really doesn't help with my mood. I'm also hoping next week I can eat healthier. Without mom packing my lunch every day, I have to pack my own lunch which means a lot more salads and healthier snacks and a lot less sandwiches. That'll be nice. If surgery is March 2nd, which is apparently what the doctor said, then - wow! - that's next Saturday. A WEEK. Mom comes home on Friday so it would work out. I really do hope I get surgery then. I just want to go ahead with things. I'm in such limbo with an injured knee. It may sound stupid but I'm secretly hoping that the surgery will help my mood overall. Last year after surgery - I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't easy the first few weeks and I don't expect it to be any easier this time - but then it got better. I lost weight, mainly muscle, because I wasn't constantly working out. That certainly helped my mood. I also became more social since you can't really avoid conversation when you're wearing a huge leg brace and have crutches - it's a conversation starter. As crazy as it sounds, this injury is, in a very little way, a blessing. I've been eating so much recently and haven't been working out, so naturally, I've gained weight. The dumb thing is I realize all of this, but I just can't change it. I'll get a headache, or just rely on food to wake me up. So having this injury, I'm hoping I will lose the weight I've gained. And let's plan on keeping it off. Overall though, what's this injury done? It's really changed my life. My soccer season next year is in jeopardy. By jeopardy I mean that there's a 99% chance I won't play. And it's my senior year. But then I look at Nicole - who am I to complain, when she's battling a lifelong disease that she almost died from. If she can do it, then I sure as hell can. Is it bad for me to feel bad for myself? I need to get out of my head. This helps. I'm thinking I'll do this once a week - Saturday mornings are nice but Sundays would be better. Sundays are just lazy days, perfect for writing. So, that's all for now. This feels really good, this writing thing.
XOXO
Maddie
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